Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World
by totallystellar
Summary: Sokka decides that life and the world in general needs straightening out and that he should start by writing a book explaining just how to do it. R&R please. Rating upped to T, possible pushing on M in the future.
1. Prelude and Index

**Title: **Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General  
**Rating: **PG  
**Genre: **Humor/General  
**Summary: **Sokka decides that life and the world in general needs straightening out – and that he should start by writing a book explaining just how to do it.  
**Author's Note: **Be prepared for oddness. I wanted to get Sokka's sort of dry humor and sarcasm right, but this is only the first chapter. The chapters won't be long, but hopefully they will be funny and I will update quickly.

**01:** Prelude and Index

_Dear Consumer, _

My name is Sokka, and if you're reading this, you have finally bought the wonderful manuscript, Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General. As you read, you will find that it is intriguing, introspective, helpful, and also will sate your hunger, seeing as the last chapter is made of fruit paper and as so, will taste yummy and be informative at the same time. (Please make sure that if you are buying this delightful composition for a younger child to stay away from the dark red hardcover edition. The edible pages in that version are alcoholic and may not be a wise choice for ages 0-14 unless they wish to be totally hammered. Please seek parental consent if choosing the latter option.)

Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General is a book that was carefully and thoughtfully written out by me, Sokka, for the good of the people. With the help of you, the consumer, Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General can soon become a worldwide commodity. It will sit on every table in every home, people will quote it with passion, and everyone can help Sokka become rich, which will make them feel better since it's a good deed. With everyone reading Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General, the world can start its way to being fixed a la Sokka, and life can follow in suit because it's about time that life did what Sokka wanted.

Please, Consumer. Enjoy Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General, and buy extra copies just in case you lose your first, second, and third copy.

Yours truly,  
Sokka

**Index:**  
**01.** Prelude and Index  
**02.** Sokka's Recommended Booklist  
**03.** The Astounding Stupidity of Optimism  
**04.** Why Pessimism Should Be a Way of Life  
**05.** How to Deal with Nightmares Involving Food  
**06.** Why Murder is Occasionally a Good Solution  
**07.** Why the Fire Nation is Bad  
**08.** Necessities During Travel  
**09.** Warrior Tactics and Sneaky Mission Plans That My Tribe Turned Down but Are Actually Really Awesome  
**10.** Why Food is Important In Your Everyday Life  
**11.** Why Bending is So Overrated  
**12.** How to Kill a Lemur: An Inventive List  
**13.** Building Watchtowers and Other Homeland Security Issues  
**14.** Tips on Winning Your Woman  
**15.** How to Keep Your Little Sister a Virgin  
**16.** How to Be Immortal: The Easy Way!  
**17.** Getting Used to Being Ignored and How to Get People's Attention  
**18.** Why the Fire Nation is Bad II  
**19.** How to Fool Evil Pirates and Fire Nation Princes  
**20.** 25 Reasons Why You Should Buy This Book Again

**A/N:** I know this sort of idea has been done before, so hopefully I can spin it a little more original as I continue. Review please!


	2. Sokka's Recommended Booklist

**Ch.02: **Sokka's Recommended Booklist

It's amazing how much of our population is illiterate. It's because of this fascination with bending, that's what! See **Chapter 11: Why Bending is So Overrated** later for more in this vein.

Anyway, I am a very well read Water Tribesman, and am now going to clear away my bias of Nations to weed out the best of the best in the literary world – even if it means having some Fire Nation books on my list. If you read the books on this list, your life is taking the next step in being fixed. And if you buy more copies of my book, and more people read Sokka's Recommended Booklist, the world in general will start to fix as well.

**Sokka's Recommended Booklist:**

Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General by Sokka –_ The best book you'll ever read in your life and a necessity._

Music Night Increases Homosexuality by Prince Zuko – _Drama, peer pressure – it's all here! Plus boy-on-boy musical angst._

Cabbage Farming and Its Intense Complexities by The Cabbage Man – _Give a man a cabbage, and he eats for a day. Teach a man how to farm a cabbage while telling him all about its intense complexities, he eats for life._

Floozy Hunt by Meng – _An inspiring and exciting tale weaving romance, innocence, and brutal murders of man-stealing wenches together._

The Lightningbirds and the Firebees: _A Firebender's Guide to Puberty and "The Talk"_ by Fire Lord Ozai – _Although pretty much for Firebenders only, it's still enjoyable and informative._

Having Perfect Hair and Being a Pussy and Needing a Girl to Save Your Ass by Haru – _Ladies, the perfect books for you. Keep your locks shiny and beautiful with tips from this lovely hermaphrodite in the first volume, and then feel the strong bond of girl power in the second. _

Waking Up 100 Years Later by Aang, the Last Airbender – _This one actually sort of bored me but since this kid is the Avatar it's good to be on his good side, right?_

Woman Warrior by Suki – _This girl is so freaking hot. And the book comes with a pull out poster, YES!_

The Pirate's Life for Me by The Captain of the Pirates – _A memoir of sea life, pillaging, plundering, etcetera, etcetera._

The Right to Abortion: We Deserve to Make Our Own Choices by Appa and Momo – _This one was very angsty and political, and a good read for anyone into that whole cross-species animal romance kind of thing. _

Interesting Takes on Sanity by King Bumi –_ This dude is crazy but writes extremely well. Two thumbs up! _

Fighting Modern Sexism and Equal Opportunities: _Protests For Female Rights to Fight and Heal_ by Katara - _The first one is okay, but the second one is kind of unfair. I mean, come one. They get to do_ two_ things? Pfft. And she talks about equality... _

Uncle Iroh's Big Book of Tea and the equally popular, Younger Women and Older Men: A Match Made in Heaven by General Iroh - _Keep your pimphand strong and make sure you get to tap that curvy cradle all while drinking the finest steeped teas._

How to Keep Straw Hanging Perfectly on Your Lip and Other Tricks to Being a Sexy Badboy by Jet - _The whole thing involves lots of glue, waxing, and yoga. Not recommended to those afraid of tight, possibly leather, clothing. _

Anal Probes by Admiral Zhao - _We finally find out why he's so tight in this book of emotional poetry._

Shameless Hack by Aunt Wu - _I predict that Aunt Wu has written a best seller. Read this._

Trapped in Engagement: _Diary of a Scarlet Woman_ by Princess Yue - _A very deep, scandelous novel of a woman in an arranged marriage. And oh yes. I'm so tappin' that._

Being the Avatar Kicks Ass by Avatar Roku - _Unfortunately, he was a Firebender. But still, he was the Avatar. Which means he can totally kicks ass, as he plainly discribes in this colorful collection of short stories and poems._

Whew! What a list. Make sure you read them all. They'll improve your life, and then, the world. And make sure to buy another copy of Sokka's Guide to Fixing Your Life and the World in General.


	3. The Astounding Stupidity of Optimism

**Author's Note:** I'm afraid it won't be as funny as the first two chapters, but hopefully it will be at least a little entertaining. I present chapter three, in which Sokka waxes philosophical.

**Ch.03:** The Astounding Stupidity of Optimism

I love my sister. Really, I do. But sometimes, the girl is just plain stupid. And so is Aang. I, Sokka, have diagnosed them with something I like to call TASOO. Pronounced like me screaming with a "t" in the front, and what I'll do to you if you try to steal my Guide.

TASOO.

The Astounding Stupidity of Optimism.

You see, my sister and Aang are optimists. Which basically is a synonym for stupid, reckless, naïve, and rude to Sokka.

Sometimes they make sense and have good points and all, but 99 of the time they just look before they leap and assume the best. I try to stop them, but all they do is ignore my warnings and rush into things thinking everyone is made of sugar and seal blubber jerky. If everyone was made of sugar and seal jerky there wouldn't be this problem of bad people, because all the good people would eat them because they'd taste good. Heck, I'd eat someone who tasted like sugar or seal blubber jerky. But then the world would be devoid of bad people, which would mean no one would be good, seeing as there would be no bad to compare and make the other people good. So, there would still be bad, because there are varying degrees of goodness. This optimism and never-ending belief of a pure world is a fantasy of the naïve. So sometimes I worry about Aang and Katara.

But anyway, who has to save them? Me. Who never gets any credit or recognition for doing so? Me. It's always my smarts and clever thinking that gets us out of tough situations. They think I'm bitter and unhappy. Well, hell yes I am! I'm the one who cleans up their messes! I'm surrounded by happy people.

Happy people upset me.

Let me give some examples of where optimism has nearly killed us. Okay, I mean aside from every moment after Katara broke open that iceberg with magic. (I hate magic. Except when it saves my life. Which it wouldn't have to if they weren't so optimistic that it led us into danger.)

That whole thing with Aunt Wu, the fortuneteller. If Aang and I hadn't personally gone up to the mountain, all that lovely blind optimism of the village, my sister and the _Avatar_, we all would have died. Not that anyone cares, but I, personally, wish to live.

Jeong Jeong, who is a Firebending Master, right? So they trusted him! And look, Aang burned my sister, because he was so optimistic and rushing into the whole playing with fire thing. He should have been the one burned, or just known not to Firebend. That's all I'm saying.

And of course that time when Katara _stole from pirates!_ Come on, like _that_ couldn't go wrong. That was when she first met Zuko, which had bad news written all over it. But of course it was Sokka's job to trick the pirates and Zuko's crew into turning against each other so that we could escape. Like that's any different from normal.

There's so many more examples of the Astounding Stupidity of Optimism and my equally astounding ability to save the day, but why bother to go into detail? I think we've all gotten the point that optimism leads to trouble, and the hugeness of this spreading epidemic is astounding. It's even in the title!

And TASOO just means more things for Sokka to fix.

Buy my book. With the money I make, maybe I can find a cure.

I need some seal blubber jerky.

See **Ch.04: Why Pessimism Should Be a Way of Life**, the companion piece to **Ch.03: The Astounding Stupidity of Optimism.**


End file.
